A is for Adoption #2!

Whew - long time, no blogging!  I have no excuses except something about chasing around a 4 year old all day, teaching part time, keeping up with the marriage/house/cooking/cleaning/laundry/reality tv.

But, I'm back for the time being!  If you are reading this you might already know that the Carter family has just started the process to adopt again!  We couldn't be more thrilled.  For awhile now we have felt it was time to start thinking about growing our family.  Dane is 4 now (wah), would be an excellent Big Brother, and we have plenty of space for a new little one in our home & most importantly our hearts.

We discussed and researched another domestic adoption (check out this post if you have never read Dane's birth story), foster to adopt, and international adoption.  When we started the process 4+ years ago for Dane, we actually had our hearts set on international.  After meeting and interviewing some agencies we realized that we were not going to be able to be placed with a newborn if we chose international.  We really wanted the newborn experience and what an incredible one it was!  Dane was an absolute ANGEL baby.  He just was.  It was nothing we did...he slept well from the day we brought him home, napped well, rarely cried, and was just happy.  And while footed pajamas & that baby smell will always make my heart beat a little faster, we felt like we didn't necassarily need that newborn experience again.  So, here we are - headed towards international adoption again.  #welcomeback

We have chosen our international agency & will be working to bring home a little girl or boy from China!  Why China, you ask?  Well, we just think that is where our next little cutie lives right now!  So, what now?  All the paperwork.  Just imagine what one might need to do to join the FBI - then multiply X 10.  We are gearing up for new sets of fingerprints, more sets of fingerprints, medical checks, background checks, home visits, letters of recommendation, adoptive parent training, probably even having our phones tapped or something.  #wouldntbesurprised

Although there is a lot to do we are just going to work through it as fast as we can.  We know how amazing the end result will be & we can't wait to get there.  We welcome your positive thoughts & prayers for our family & my goal is to keep writing through this process as well!  Thanks for coming along!

~ Devin, Abigail & Dane

DotMom...recap!

Last weekend was INCREDIBLE (caps totally needed).  

My friend and former co-worker (wah), Adrienne and I decided to head to Nashville, TN for a girls trip/Mommy conference.  Last year one of the bloggers we both stalk follow posted about a conference called DotMom that was a Christian based conference that focused on marriage & motherhood.  Not sure why it is called "DotMom"...it has nothing to do with computers or blogging.  But the decor is all dots & all sorts of cute, so I guess I get it now.  Anyway, we registered months ago and have been counting down the days for weeks.  Both of us were Nashville rookies...now how or why is still unknown.  Nashville is the Los Angeles of the South.  Being that both of us are obsessed with all things celebrity, it was the perfect location for our weekend away.

We kissed our babies & daddies goodbye & headed out Thursday morning.  Only 1.5 hours behind, but I call that winning.  We loaded up, grabbed Starbucks & got on the road.  Who doesn't love 5+ hours in a car with your best of friends?  We listened to our favorite tunes, caught up on life, made sure we were headed in the right direction & had a lot of snacks.  Like a lot of snacks.

Almost 6 hours later we pulled into our hotel & unloaded.  Our hotel was in Franklin, which apparently is the most visited town in Tennessee (even over Nashville).  Just picture the nicest place you have ever visited...and then multiply by 100.  That's Franklin.

We might have left the kids at home, but we brought their snacks.  

Thursday night we were pretty exhausted & decided not to venture out too much.  But, the conference didn't start until Friday morning, so we wanted to do something around the area before the next day.  We tried to make it to the Grand 'Ol Opry, but the traffic was bad & we don't like traffic or lines so we passed.  And we went to Target instead.  Hey - you can take the girls out of Indiana, but you can't take the Target away...or something like that.  Multiple dollar bin purchases later, we headed back to the hotel to change for dinner.

Adrienne found an adorable restaurant in downtown Franklin that we wanted to try.  Brick walls, live band, kid-free, & bottomless drinks.  Ok, not bottomless - but wouldn't that be nice?  Taylor Swift recently had dined at this restaurant & we were pretty sure we sat at her table.  So basically she should have given us free tickets to her concert (that was in Nashville that weekend...what are the chances?!)  The best part of Thursday night was our dessert.  It was indescribable.  We are still talking about.  It was made by a local pie company called "Papa C's" & we had the waiter surprise us on what flavor to choose from.  And he did a dang good job.  He brought the Ghirardelli Chocolate Fudge Pie & we were both sure we haven't tasted anything better.  But lucky for us Papa C ships his pies across the country, so we hope Santa is reading this post.  We walked through Franklin a little bit after dinner, and headed back to our hotel for the evening.  Both asleep in less than 10 minutes.

Friday morning we woke up early, showered & grabbed Starbucks to go shopping before the conference started at noon.  Again downtown Franklin was calling our name.  The whole town is very faith based & everywhere we went we heard "Have a blessed day" and saw signs of Jesus-loving people on every corner.  So refreshing.  Our favorite store was called "Philanthropy" and was just the most adorable boutique.  One whole wall in the boutique was a dedicated "prayer wall" covered in candles and soft music.  You could choose a ticket to write a prayer request on & then take someone else's to pray for.  Some were even written by children.  I chose one written by a sweet person asked for prayer in starting her family either biologically or through adoption.  Such a neat, neat idea.  We left Philanthropy with matching shirts which didn't surprise us because we left Chicago with matching Hunter boots when we were there a few years ago. #justcallusMaryKateandAshley

We ventured into a precious toy store next to grab something for the kiddos.  We ended up talking to the store owner for a good 30 minutes about the celebrities she has come in her store.  Faith Hill? Yes.  Carrie Underood?  Saw her at Whole Foods last week.  Eric Church?  Just in a few days ago.  But the best story was about the local locksmith who was recently called to hurry and unlock a rental car that was locked in the parking garage (that we were in!).  The rental car was being driven by none other than Johnny Depp.  Oh my.   Like I said - the L.A. of the South.

After a quick lunch in Franklin, we were on our way to Brentwood Baptist for the start of DotMom!  After checking in, we headed in to the worship opener and the first speaker.  After the keynote speaker, we had both signed up for the same two sessions: Kids & Emotions and Wild Things: The Art of Nurturing Boys.  Both were AMAZING and so informative.  The leader of the breakout, David Thomas, is a Christian Family and Child counselor & author.  He was just incredible to hear.  We could have heard him speak all day.  We both were furiously taking notes & trying to take it all in.  David spoke about kids & their emotions and how we, as Moms, can handle the different emotions that arise in different stages of their development.  We also learned so much about the development of boys and what they need from us.  A lot of the ideas and advice he spoke about really resonated with me & I am already changing some things I do and say with Dane.  Even something as simple as giving directions needs to be different with boys than girls.  If you ever have the chance to hear David speak, DO IT.  And tell me when you are going.

The conference broke for dinner that evening & we ended up making our way to downtown Nashville on the "strip."  Otherwise known as Nash-Vegas.  Talk about fun.  We ate at a local bbq joint that was highly recommended by several friends & it was good.  Not good was me throwing away my credit card in the trash.  I blame the newspaper and paper towels covering my tray.  After digging through  the trash for about 2 seconds, we threw in the towel & Adrienne said she had my back the rest of the night.  We tried a few other places & ended up at a fun place on the corner where the band played everything from Garth Brooks to Gretchen Wilson.  We headed back to our hotel around 1am and dropped.  Such a fun, but long day.

Saturday we woke up super early, packed everything and headed out to the last morning of the conference.  But, we forgot to pack the 100 boxes of Kleenex we would need when hearing the keynote speaker.  Karen Kingsbury is a New York Times best-selling author of Christian fiction, and I had heard of her but hadn't read anything of hers.  Well, that is about to change.  Karen spoke for almost 1.5 hours and there was not a dry eye in the house.  She is a story-teller, so naturally would be an excelled speaker as well.  She spoke about our "lasts" with our children, and how we need to hold on and cherish those little moments.  The last bottle your baby takes, the last time they sit on their daddy's shoulders, the last high school game they will play, the last cuddle in their bed.  I couldn't handle it.  Her speech was focused around creating our own best-selling novel.  The characters in our story are our family and the hero is God.  What a wonderful best-seller that would be.  We could barely see straight to make it to the first session after Karen was finished.

Adrienne and I split up for the next session and she attended one on raising girls, while I went to one on Mothering From a Place of Rest...or slowing down.  We might not all be able to stay home with our children, but what are some areas that CAN slow down so that we can spend more quality time with these precious little people?  She definitely had some great ideas and advice to share.

The conference ended later that afternoon & we were back in the car.  The weekend was almost over. We spent the next hour or so just debriefing everything we had learned over the weekend.  Who else is better to talk to than another sweet mama?  No one.  We promised we would come back next year because there were so many other sessions we wanted to attend.

This blog post would be about 1,000 pages long if I listed everything we learned about motherhood &  marriage.  But something that David Thomas said has really stuck with me, and I keep thinking about it.  I love analogies so it is simply perfect.

Raising children is like shooting a bow and arrow.  If you do not have precision and focus, when you release that arrow it will go all over the place...perhaps even causing major damage.  But, if you release it with strength and are pointing it in the right direction, it will hit that bullseye every time.  Dane is my arrow.  God is our strength & I plan on hitting the bullseye & offering him the best little life possible on Earth.  

Thank you to Lifeway Christian for offering such an incredible conference.  Thanks to Nashville for being...well, Nashville.  We weren't prepared for all of the fun you had to offer.  Thank you to our hubbies who didn't complain (to our faces, at least) for leaving them with the littles all weekend.

And thanks to Adrienne for just being you.  An incredible wife, mommy & friend.
Just 359 days until next year.  ;)

Be Their Favorite Toy.

I think we have a cute house.  Not too big, not too small.  Of course there are things about every person's house that they wish they could change.  We would love to have a basement...maybe a one-story ranch with a basement.  And I would love to have a Carrie Bradshaw-sized closet.  #closetgoals  But, you make do with what you have & our house has been great for our little family of 3.  My beloved bright pink sunroom was one of my favorite parts of our house.  White leather couches, custom window treatments and no-boys allowed.  Not kidding.  But being that I live with one very tall boy, and one very small boy I knew deep down we needed a renovation.  A cute toy room for my little boy.  

So, the past 6 months were filled with Devin constructing a massive toy bench & custom bookshelves.  Because who wants to pay $30 for bookshelves when Daddy can make his own for a fraction of the cost?  #timthetoolman We decided to keep the bright pink walls & I think they work fine for now.  And who knows - maybe a little girl is in our future at some point?  :)

As we were putting everything together & moving toys over, I immediately thought of some recent advice I had been given.  My sweet kindergarten parents threw me a baby shower when Dane was born and they made a book of motherhood advice for me to read.  One note always sticks in my brain and I think about it all the time.  This mama's advice was to be my child's "favorite toy."  She went on to explain that when her son was in preschool they were asked by their teacher what their favorite toy was.  He said, "My mom is my favorite toy because she always plays with me."  Wow.  And I could just picture this mama doing that because she was that type of mom.  The lay-on-the-floor, play trains & dress-up type of mom.  The type of mom I want to be.  Sure - there are days when I check my phone too much & just want to sit & catch up with The Today Show, but then I always think about that note.  I want Dane to say that his mama is his favorite toy.

The days are long but the years are short, & before long the toys will be put away for good.  So let's read & dress-up & play trains & build blocks & color (in the lines, of course) while we can.  

Friday Favorites

Happy Friday, party people!  Here is what I have been loving this week!

My hair looks & feels like a bird's nest. Curls on curls on frizz.  While in Florida this spring break, I decided to straighten it one night.  Big mistake.  Huge.  At one point my brother-in-law looked at me in horror (as my hair was getting bigger & bigger during our outdoor dinner) and said, "Um, are you ok?"  I have tried expensive hair products & I have tried cheap hair products.  And they do the same thing.  Which is nothing.  So, I might as well spend my money elsewhere & go with the cheap-o stuff.  Enter Suave Rosemary & Mint.  It smells SO good & makes my scalp all tingly with a mint feeling.  Definitely on the favorites list this week.

My sunroom has officially been transformed into Dane's playroom.  And, we both love it.  Still the perfect little nook for my morning coffee....it now just includes trains, cars & any type of ball. #boymom

I try not to give Dane too many sweets.  He is such a great eater now & really loves a good variety of fruits & veggies, which I hope continues.  However, when I am in the mood for a healthier dessert option I always turn to CCK (Chocolate Covered Katie).  Her desserts are fabulous & really good for you!  I made her chewy granola bars last week & Dane gobbled them up.  He thinks they are cookies & I am not planning on correcting him anytime soon.  ;)

Snacks by the pool with my little D are definitely on the favorites list this week.  We have been almost every day.  And my new Kendra Scott earrings are a current fave also...thank you Nordstrom Anniversary Sale!

This blog post . Oh my.  I can already see myself moving his backpack a million times to find the perfect spot.  It is that time of year when everyone is posting pictures of their babies heading off to kindergarten, dressed in new clothes with big toothy grins.  I love & hate these pictures.  I love them because it is fun to see how proud my friends are of their kids & how big they have grown.  I hate them because I know I will be posting these pictures soon enough.  I taught kindergarten for 9 years and always was baffled at the parents who were so concerned, upset, sad, distraught, etc over their children going to school.  I mean - the kids are fine.  And they are.  But, I get it now.  I simply can't imagine my little Dane getting on a school bus one day.  I totally get the "a child is your heart walking outside your body" quote.  Like whoa.  But it will be ok because I am already planning on staying in the adjoining dorm room next to him in college. #showershoesdane

What have been your favorite things this week?  Cheers to the weekend!

Remembering The Call..two years ago today

*The names of all birthparents have been changed to protect privacy*

Two years ago today we received a call that would change our lives.  The call when a sweet birthmother asked us to be parents.  This day seems to sneak up on me & we were talking about last night at dinner.  We remember everything...plus I have kept the notes we took and they are tucked safely in Dane's baby book.  I want him to have access to every detail, and be able to ask any questions he may wonder about.

But, let me back up.

It was the Friday before Mother's Day, 2013.  I was teaching full-day kindergarten at the time & we had just had a big event that morning in my classroom for our mommies.  I had literally just sat down at my desk for my prep time when my phone rang.  Kirsh & Kirsh (our adoption attorneys).  Gulp.  What did we forget to turn in?  That was my first thought.  We had just finished our mountain of paperwork and submitted everything the week before in order to be "active" and available to be matched with birthparents.  And by "mountain of paperwork," I mean Everest-sized mountain.  For months we had traded date nights for laptop nights at Starbucks, typing up biographies, filling out different questionnaires & checking our to-do list.  Three sets of fingerprints...Check.  Federal  & State background checks...Check.  Home study with a social worker...Check.  Doctor approval declaring us physically fit to care for a child...check.  Ten page "Dear Birthmother Letter" indicating why we would be good parents & filled with photos...check.  If we apply to be in the Secret Service, I believe they would already have the necessary requirements needed, and then some.  Geesh.

We did not forget anything, however.  Kirsh's assistant (who worked closely with the birthparents and did the matching) simply stated that a birthmother named *Kara was very interested in us and wanted to speak with us tonight.  (Wait, what?!  Tonight?)  We had only been active for a short number of days, and I was in no way prepared for a call like this.  I immediately looked for a paper bag to breathe into.  She went on to say that Kara was a high school senior in the district I taught in.  She was involved in numerous activities and clubs and planned to go to college in the Fall.  Her baby was due in less than a month. (What?!  A month?!  Insert shaking, sweating, etc).  She had been matched with a great couple for the last few months, but they became unexpectedly pregnant (ugh, secretly hated them) & had to back out of the adoption.  She was back at square one, very nervous, and needed to proceed quickly.  Their assistant finished by saying it was very important to Kara that Devin do a lot of the talking on the phone - she had spoken to a few couples already and the adoptive mother had done all the talking, which she didn't like.  Devin, talk?  Well, that one was easy.

I barely made it through the end of the day.  Dismissed my students & drove 45 minutes home in a daze.  I was nervous, but mostly excited.  I really thought this was it.  And what a perfect ending it would be.  I could see the headline now: Couple chosen after 3 days on the active list.  Baby born a month later.  They all lived Happily Ever After.  We sat down at the kitchen table, notepad in hand & made the call.  Kara answered after the first few rings & we put her on speakerphone.  The conversation was to be honest, awkward.  But we were prepared for that.  You are basically selling yourselves to a person who is planning to place her baby for adoption.  Nothing can prepare you for that type of conversation.  In fact, before we called we laughed that never in a million years had we thought we would be doing this back in college when the conversations were based around frat parties & what movie to rent.  #ifourcollegeselvescouldseeusnow

Looking back, I should have seen the red flags, but I didn't.  Kara was nice, but it was more like an interview than a real conversation.  She asked us how we were going to discipline, and if we would be spanking.  She asked us our views on Private Vs. Public Education (public educators here!) & how we would teach this baby not to have sex before marriage.  All good questions, I suppose, but we never really just talked.  She ended the call by saying she was having a baby girl.  My heart all but burst into pink sparkles.  I was ready for a girl!  I could braid!  I liked make-up!  I would help her with cheerleading and dance!  We HAD to be chosen.  We just had to.  Kara thanked us and said she was speaking with another couple as well and would be making her decision most likely after the weekend.  We thanked her as well for even considering us and said goodbye.

We had decided to keep most information about our adoption status private.  Of course our family and friends knew we were in the process of adopting, but no one knew about this call.  Wellllll, except for a small number of my close friends.  I HAD to tell someone.  Who would go with me to shop for girl clothes?  Who would help re-decorate my already finished nursery?  My friends.  They are my people.  I immediately filled them on the call and they were just as excited.  Now we just had to sit back and wait for the good news.  Or so I thought.

The weekend passed & we didn't hear anything.  We weren't surprised because Kara had said she wanted some time to think about it, which we respected.  We had to finish our adoption education classes and had a class scheduled one day early that week.  Towards the end of the class, I noticed three missed calls from Kirsh.  THIS WAS IT.  The good news we had been waiting for.  I couldn't call during the session, so we ran out to our car right after the class & called them back.  I knew as soon as the assistant said my name.  It wasn't the good news I had hoped for.

She went on to say that she was very sorry, but Kara had chosen another couple.  I pretty much blacked out here, because I don't remember the other details.  Another couple.  That was all I heard.  We were devastated.  Of course we had been told that this could happen numerous times, and nothing is set until the adoption papers were signed.  But, we had hope.  We knew we were going to be good parents.  We had been through enough.  We didn't understand.  I cried all the way home.  I went upstairs & cried for the next few hours.  Devin finally coerced me out with a trip to get ice cream.  And we got ice cream...twice that night. (That's when you know it is REALLY bad).  I called the friends that I had told and sobbed to them on the phone.  My friend, Rene, who had adopted twice and totally gets it - just listened.  And then she said, "Abigail.  I know you don't want to hear this, but I will say it anyway.  That baby girl just wasn't your baby."  I cried some more.  I have never been anywhere close to having a miscarriage, but I imagine the pain is similar.  Your heart feels like it is been ripped out, torn into shreds & then scattered every which way.  I wondered if it would ever be put back together.

We made it through the weekend & I decided to at least shower and put the cleanest pair of pajamas on that I had.  I went back to school that next week and finished out the year.  Nothing from Kirsh.  We were officially waiting again.  Summer began & we were busy with friends, going on lots of dates, grilling out & just enjoying that time of year.  Devin's sister was getting married, I had a baby shower coming up planned by family & friends & things were looking happy again.  Even if the nursery was still empty.

June 24th.  My mom's birthday.  I had met a friend for lunch & was leaving when I checked my phone and saw a missed call from Kirsh.  Hmmm.  I called back & their assistant first told me that Kara had gone into labor & decided not to place her baby for adoption at all.  Another sweet couple's hearts had been ripped out as well.  I said I was sorry, but wondering what the call was really about.  She went on to say that another birthmother was interested in us.  Her name was *Lauren and she was due December 17th (she gave more details that I won't share in order to respect privacy)  Lauren wanted to speak with us tonight.  She had narrowed down her choices to us and another couple from Chicago.  Here we go again.  I drove home in another daze.

Devin came home early from football, we sat down with our notes & made a promise that we would not get our hopes up again.  (But who I am kidding, I was ready to finally press "checkout" on my Amazon order full of baby stuff.  Not getting hopes up & Abigail just don't mix).  We called Lauren and she answered on the first ring.  This conversation just flowed from the start.  We all just "talked." We didn't feel like we were being interviewed, yet she did ask plenty of questions.  She knew our ten page Dear Birthmother letter like the back of her hand.  She loved that our families were so close by, that we were involved in our church & that we were teachers who had the summers off to spend with this baby.  My Hopes Meter was raising again.  I didn't want to look at Devin in the eyes.  He knew the promise was broken.  Talking to Lauren was like talking to an old friend.  Nothing awkward or uncomfortable like with Kara.   We spoke with the birthfather, *Matt, as well.  He was quiet, but did ask a few questions.  Lauren shared that when she had made the decision to place her baby, she invited her friends over to go through the Dear Birthmother letters with her.  They highlighted things they liked in each packet.  My heart fluttered.  Her friends.  Her people.  That is exactly what I would have done!  The phone call came to an end and I didn't want it to.  Did we tell her everything?  Did we share that I planned to make all of my own baby food and that Devin would be a hands-on-play on the floor-type of dad?  Did she know how much we would love this baby?!

The conversation ended similar to Kara's.  Lauren needed to time to think and would be letting Kirsh know of her decision very soon.  We thanked her and Matt & said goodbye.

The following morning was June 25th.  Devin was downtown for a training and I was home worrying watching tv.  I wanted to know the outcome SO bad.  But then again, I didn't.  I couldn't handle any more bad news.  A basket case is putting it nicely.  I was literally sitting on the couch staring at the wall when Kirsh called.  No news.  They wanted to see how the conversation with Lauren went and what we thought of her (in order for a match to be set, the adoptive parents have to be comfortable with the birthparents as well).  While we were talking, an email from Lauren came through to Kirsh.  She said she would like to talk to us again tonight and had some additional questions.  Where was my paper bag when I needed it?!  Devin came home from the training, we got out all of our supplies & called.  Lauren answered and we had small talk for a few minutes.  I could tell she was nervous.  Was she going to tell us over the phone that she had picked someone else?  While a polite way to do it, I didn't know how much more I could take.

Then she said quietly, "Do you have plans this weekend?  Because I would really like to meet the parents of my baby." 

Total silence.  I looked at Devin & saw that he was crying.  I felt like I was in The Twilight Zone.  The man doesn't cry.  No one spoke for a solid 10 seconds.  I'm not even sure which one of us said something first, but something came out indicating to Lauren that YES!  We would be this baby's parents!  YES, YES, YES!

That night two years ago will never be forgotten.  And so started a relationship with Dane's birthparents that is very special to us.  We met them the following weekend, were invited to doctor's appointments, & were there for the birth of our precious boy.

I wish I could go back and tell myself two years ago that everything will be ok.  To ditch the paper bag.  Just fall asleep.

That Dane was always meant to be ours.  

He has your smile.

This week we have been celebrating my mom's retirement, the end of the school year & the start of summer.  Flowers have been planted, birds are chirping, porches being used again.  Its time to break out the Summer Bucket List.  Always on that list: a drive-in movie, making s'mores, & playing tennis at the park.  I'm looking forward to adding new things to the list as well.

My sweet, sweet baby is 6 months old today.  6 months.  Half a year.  You can find me in the corner crying.  I know every parent says it.  People have told me.  They still tell me...it goes by so fast.  And it does.  The past 6 months have been nothing but pure joy.  It literally feels like yesterday that we were waking up to my phone ringing at 6 am.  Dane's birthmother in labor.  The mad dash to get to the hospital.  I can't even wash the sweats I wore that day.  Immeasurable happiness, yet so much pain wrapped up together in those sweats.  It sounds silly, I know.  I still replay the hospital images in my mind & Devin and I talk about it quite a bit.  Its good to talk about it.

During these past 6 months, I have gotten a lot of comments while out in public.  "Oh how cute!"  "How old is he?"  "What a happy baby!"  And then the ever popular & yet sometimes dreaded - "He looks just like you."  What should I say to this?  He does look like me...the blonde hair does it, I guess.  But he has strikingly blue eyes, that almost can't be described.  Sea foam, mixed with a foggy sky blue.  Actually similar to our daddy's baby blues.  His eyes definitely don't match my dark brown ones, and that's ok.  I get this comment a lot in public.  I have given numerous responses...from the smile & nod, to "well, he was adopted - so...." Which always results in either, 1) a lengthy adoption conversation which could lead to numerous questions or 2) an uncomfortable, awkward response from the person asking.  Which results in more awkwardness and then we just go our separate ways.  Heads down.  Dane still smiling.  He didn't even know what was being asked.  It is tricky to deal with these questions when the baby you adopted does resemble you or your husband.  So I deal with the questions the best that I know how & move on.

But this week's comment was a little different.  A sweet old lady came up to us in the store this week and said softly, "He has your smile."  Hmmmm.  I did the smile & nod, thanked her & we were on our way.  I was telling a friend about this and almost wanting pity for the I-get-these-things all the time, why can't I ever JUST be a mom-type of thing, and she said, "Abigail.  He DOES have your smile.  You smile at him all the time.  He sees your smile and mimics it.  He. has. your. smile.

Pity party cleaned up & put away for another day.

And you know what?  It's true.  He might not have my eyes or my freckles (thank goodness).  He might not have Devin's broad shoulders or dark hair.  He may never share my love for reading (but man  oh man, am I going to try), and he may never inherit Devin's athletic abilities.  But he does have my smile.  And that is undeniable.

And what a smile it is.  

Happy weekend, friends.  Give a compliment to a stranger.  It's fun.  

Look For Littles

Once upon time, there was a girl who loved to shop.  She didn't care when, where, or with whom.  It was just fun.  Then, she adopted a baby and didn't shop for herself anymore.   She only shopped for her son.  It didn't matter if it was 2 degrees below zero & they didn't leave the house for days.  Her baby always looked cute.  What if a baby modeling agent came door-to-door looking for new clients?  He had to be ready.  The end.  

A few weeks ago I saw Wifessionals, a mama/blogger that I follow on instagram, announce that she was hosting a Look for Littles swap.  The rules were simple: sign up on her blog, indicating the gender/age of your child & you would be matched with another momma with the same age child.  Then, contact each other, decide how much you want to spend & put together a "look" for their little.  How FUN!  And fun is right up my alley.  Not only would I be able to shop for another precious baby, I would be excited to receive my own special package in the mail!  The "Look" had to consist of a top, bottom, and two accessories (shoes, socks, hat, etc).  I signed up right away & awaited my match!

A few days later I was given the information for my LFL (Look For Littles) match - a sweet mom from Texas!  She has two boys, one a baby close in age to Dane.  We emailed back and forth and discussed size, how much we wanted to spend, and exchanged home addresses.  It was fun chatting with another young mom, even though she was miles away.  We ended up talking about our kids, jobs & just giving advice & encouragement to each other.  @tjwest21 - if I'm ever in Texas, I'm going to look you up!  Maybe we can visit Southfork & pretend we are in Dallas?!

After emailing several times, we both set out to shop!  We mailed our packages the same week & this is what I sent her little guy.  I also included a note for her & some chocolate...because what mom doesn't like coming home to a big Reese Cup?!

The Look she sent Dane is precious!  She included a sweet note to both of us with plenty of y'alls...a true Texan!  I stuck it in Dane's baby book for him to read one day.  And those suspenders?!  No words.  A few days later I received another package from my new momma friend - how sweet!  I especially looooooove the boombox shirt.  Little did she know I am a 90s rapper at heart.

Overrall, the LFL swap was so fun & something I would love to do again!  I got to shop for another little, get something for Dane & make a new friend along the way.  I call that winning.

Where are some of your favorite places to shop for your littles?

The one with the birth story.

This might be the hardest thing I have ever had to write.  And the most beautiful.  So much has happened in just a week.  A week ago I wasn't his momma.  I am now.  I have started this post many times, but stopped because I have been afraid I would leave out a detail, a description....anything important to his story.   I want to make sure I do him justice, do her justice.  My only hope is that if he chooses to read this one day, he will know how much he is loved.

So, here it goes.
The story of our sweet Dane's birth.

Friday night Devin & I had gone out to dinner with family and done some last minute Christmas shopping.  I remember it being pretty cold, & we held hands as we went in a few stores.  We purchased our items, grabbed our favorite Starbucks treats & headed home.  We put in our favorite Christmas movie, Home Alone, & laughed the entire time.  We recalled how fun it was to make the trip up to Chicago last year to see the actual house.  All of the scenery in the movie is just how it looks today.  Towards the end of the movie,  Macaulay Culkin is sitting at the dinner table with his microwavable macaroni & cheese and says, "This is It.  Don't get scared now."  We looked at each other & laughed because that has been our motto for the past month.

We knew that we were going to be parents for quite some time now.  Our sweet boy was actually due on December 17th.   We chose to keep our match with his birth parents private because with adoption - you never know what could happen.  So for the past few months, I might have looked calm & collected on the outside....but on the inside I was two steps away from the insane asylum.  I'm talking wide awake at 4am-pacing the house-needing a straight jacket kind of thing.  And Devin, well we all know he is about as calm as they come.  Some nights I wanted to pinch the smile off of his face as he was peacefully dreaming in bed,  Meanwhile, I was flipping through the channels looking for anything to watch that wasn't COPS or I Love Lucy.  I'm so grateful that those worrisome nights are over.

We went to bed Friday night with plans to have a super fun/romantic/one last date night before baby on Saturday night.  I had made reservations at a nice restaurant downtown & I was secretly hoping DC had scheduled a carriage ride or something ultra-cheesy (you got out of that one, didn't you Dev?!)  But, if I have learned anything these past 31 years, it's that you really can't make plans.  This time, I wasn't disappointed that my plans didn't work out.  Oh, I am the farthest from disappointed.

6:34 am.  My phone rings.  I saw that it was Dane's birthfather.  My stomach did a major flip & I could hear Devin waking up next to me.  His words - soft and sad.  "Abs - you better get in the car.  Your baby is going to be born today."  After getting a few details, he said he would update us on any developments and we started the mad dash to get out the door.  We knew a 3 hour drive would soon follow & because we had been asked to be in the delivery room, I wanted to get there as soon as possible.  My things had been packed for months weeks, but Devin - poor Devin.  The man only has 7 pairs of boxers, so he couldn't pack in advance.  So, I rushed around calling our parents and getting things ready for our dog to be picked up while he packed and loaded up the car.  Carseat - check.  Gifts for birthparents - check.  Hospital bags - check.  Handmade favors and toasting champagne glasses - check.  This baby was going to be celebrated and the whole hospital would know it.  Then, we were out the door & on our way.

Judging from my sleepless nights the last month or so, I thought I would be a nervous wreck in the car.  I was surprisingly calm.  I have God to thank for that.  For months, I have done the same thing every day.  Wake up: pray for his birthparents, pray for the baby, pray for us.  Do this all day.  Repeat.  I know that He gave me peace as we were on our way to the hospital.  It was a gorgeous day & I will never forget seeing our house the last time with just the two of us in it.  We laughed and said again, "This is it.  Don't get scared now" and kept saying we couldn't believe that the little car seat in the back would finally be filled soon.

We pulled into the hospital with our arms filled with gas station snacks & fountain drinks, and walked to her room.  In order to protect the privacy of Dane's amazing birthparents, they will be called L & M. It is not the first initial of their names, it is just the first letter I thought of.  L looked so pretty laying in the hospital bed.  She was putting on make-up because she wanted the baby to think she was pretty in pictures that we show him.  Devin & I hugged her & M and just sat and waited for the next few hours.  Now, I know what you are probably thinking: You hung out with them?  You were in the delivery room?  You talked to them?  Yes, yes, and YES.  We formed an amazing bond with L & M through the past few months - one that I hope will continue.  I went to doctor's appointments, and was updated weekly on how L was feeling during the pregnancy.  After all - it was my baby that she was carrying.
I'm so thankful for this bond & I can't wait to tell him one day how his heartbeat sounded on the monitor, and show him the ultrasound pictures I have saved.

While we waited for L's contractions to pick up, I set up the favors and glasses while M put the champagne on ice (actually it was sparkling grape juice, but champagne just sounds better).  Devin brought in things from the car and all four of us just laughed at a Chris Farley movie on tv and waited.

L was feeling great and we were all thinking we had awhile until baby boy's arrival.  Devin & M went out to grab Starbucks and L & I just talked.  This would the first of many conversations over the next few days.  Around 12:00, the nurse came in to check her before going to lunch.  Surprisingly, she was dilated to a 10!  From this point - it was a blur.  A blur of people, medical devices, and emotions.  I could tell she was nervous...not quite ready.  It was all happening so fast.  I had to keep it together for L, so I didn't cry.  I just smiled and squeezed her arm.  Told her she was doing awesome.  Because this had all happened so fast, she asked Devin & M to step to the back of the room while the doctor drew back the curtain, closing us off.  I saw it all.  The pain on her face...both physical and emotional.  I saw his little head come out & the doctor's hands as he gently pulled his body out.  All four of us heard his first cry.  Just a wimper.  It sounds exactly the same today.  I couldn't stop staring.  Suddenly, someone put a pair of scissors in my hand.  I have no idea who.  The doctor lifted up the umbilical cord and I cut it.  It was over.  All of the waiting, praying, worrying, crying, praying some more....finished.

He was here.  Dane Tyler Carter.  5lbs, 11oz.  Dane - the name I had chosen years ago in college, even before I had met Devin (he was easily convinced, though.)  And Tyler, after my brother.  Who has always been my hero.

The next hour was a bit of a blur as well.  I walked over to where Devin & M were and M said to us, "Congratulations, guys."  Cue heart breaking.  The nurses cleaned him, weighed him, and told me he was perfect.  Little, but perfect.  I was so happy.  Devin and I hugged and a few tears came out but I still wanted to remain calm for L & M.  L's plan was to have some time with the baby & M after he was born, which was gladly agreed on.  We left to grab lunch in the cafe & heard the sweet sounds of a lullaby playing in the hospital - meaning a baby had been born.  Our baby.

We came back about an hour later and there he was.  Sleeping in her arms.  "A little earth angel", as my friend Adrienne says.  I love that.  L handed the baby to me.  Everyone was watching.  It was so quiet.  Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry - I kept saying in my head.  And, I didn't.  I was too happy.

 I remember asking her, "How do I look?"  And, she said "Like his Momma."

The rest of the day was spent cuddling sweet little Dane.  L & M held him, we took pictures.  Devin & I held him, they took pictures.  We took pictures together.  We toasted together.  I am so glad to have these memories.  We had asked our family and friends not to come down until the adoption papers were signed.  We knew in our hearts, that she was not going to change her mind...but we didn't want to overwhelm them with visitors.  But Devin?  Well, he never left our boy's side.  He has kept pretty quiet throughout this whole process, which I expected would happen, so I'm not really sure if I will ever know everything he was feeling.  And, that's ok.  But, I do know he was feeling love for his brand new son.  And, everyone knows there is nothing sexier than a grown man & teensy baby.  Whoa.  (Sorry, Dad.)

The night of our son's birth was wonderful.  Telling family & a few close friends, holding our son, saying that we couldn't believe he was finally here.  There was so much love in that hospital, I'm surprised it didn't just raise right off the ground.  Love for each other.  Love for his birthparents.  Love for him.  The nurses were absolutely amazing.  Teaching us to be his parents, getting us our own room, checking on us frequently.  Devin & M ran out again to get Starbucks and L & I talked.  And cried.  And talked & cried.  She told me her hopes & dreams for this little boy, and I promised to fulfill them.  I told her my hopes and dreams for him as well.  I knew she didn't want to place her baby for adoption.  No mother wants to do that.  But, she made the choice for him.  And, that is the most selfless act of love I can think of.  It was a beautiful conversation, but even Devin doesn't know every detail.  A special time from one momma to another.

Sunday morning we wheeled Dane down to L & M's room (and set off every alarm in the #$^% hospital, but that is a story for another time) and let them have some more time with him.  Our adoption attorney, Steve, from Kirsh & Krish walked in around 9:00 with the adoption papers.  We left the baby with them & went out for a little while.  Both of us were calm and not worried about the signing.  I was just worried about L though, I didn't want her to feel any more pain than she already had.  That's the thing about adoption - the guilt factor.  They don't tell you that during the home study process, or the education classes.  You learn about how to raise an adopted child & how to tell them their story; you don't learn that you will feel guilt.  Over taking her baby.  Their baby.  I know what you are thinking, and what people have said, "But, she made that choice."  And, she did. But, it doesn't make the guilt go away.  My college friend, and fellow adoptive mama, Trish said - "I still can't wrap my brain around the fact that my joy is so closely intertwined with her pain in missing him."  It's so true.  They tell me it gets better though.  For now, when I cry about taking her child, Devin just gives me a box of Kleenex and kindly leaves the room...avoiding all eye contact.  It's just best for everyone involved.
Love you, DC.  ;)

Our attorney came back in, congratulated us, and said everything went well.  He was officially our son.  Although, looking back - I think he was always ours.  In the middle of the night when he looks at me while I feed him, or when he stops crying the moment Devin picks him up.  Those moments just prove he was always meant to be ours.

We introduced baby Dane to our parents after that.  The joy in their eyes when they held him will last a lifetime.  I wish I could bottle it up.  Again, I'm surprised the whole hospital just didn't lift off the ground.  He was perfect.  Sleeping so soundly while everyone passed him around.  L had been discharged & she and M wanted to come down and meet the people that would be Dane's grandparents.  Devin & I were sitting on the couch when out of the corner of my eye, I saw them.  Standing just outside the door, peering in.  Tears streaming down their face.  We introduced them to everyone.  Hugs and handshakes.  Thank you's.  More tears.  They told everyone how happy they are that Dane is going to have a wonderful life with us.  I wanted to melt right into those sterile, white walls.

Devin and I walked them out to their car, which seemed like the longest walk of my life.  I held her hand.  She seemed ok.  We laughed about how crazy this has all been, how fast it happened.  We promised to keep him safe.  To love him.  Hugs with no words.  Hugs like I have never felt.
Then, they were gone.

My brother & his adorable fiance came to meet Dane that night.  Seeing him hold his namesake was priceless.  I can't wait for the day that he teaches him to play soccer or play 48 straight hours of Playstation 3.  Wait a minute...

The rest of Sunday night was spent cuddling our boy, ordering take-out Mexican & watching our first Christmas movie as a family of 3.  I came down with a terrible cold, so it was actually nice to lay in a hospital bed & have nurses wait on you & your baby hand & foot.

After a sleepless Sunday night, we were ready to head home.  We had to wait on our attorney to get papers processed through the court system so that we could be officially discharged.  We both showered & put on our blue shirts to head home.  Blue for our baby boy.  The nurses filled our bags to the brim with bottles, wipes, diapers, & anything else we requested.  They said they all wished that more mothers would have made the choice she had.  We were going to be great parents, they just knew it.  Little Dane was dressed in the same outfit that Devin went home in 33 years ago.  Beyond special.  We left our little home for the past two days & walked out with our arms filled with balloons & gifts.  Our hearts were filled with even more love as we heard "Congratulations!" and "He's so cute!"  I still couldn't believe that was my baby they were talking about.

The car ride home was pretty uneventful.  Me in the backseat, Dane so quietly sleeping...Devin at 10 & 2.  White knuckled.  Not that I expected anything less.  We pulled into the drive late & Devin unpacked while I fed Dane.  We were home.

A week has past & we are all doing great.  Sleep deprived, but great.  We have the first-time parent jitters, but do they really ever go away?  It should be more like full-time parent jitters.  Several people have said to us that this is the best time to be parents.  We don't have to worry about him driving away in a car, breaking his leg during a football game, or texting a girl.  All we have to do is enjoy it.  And, we are.

We have so many people to thank.  So many people that have been there for us throughout this entire adoption process.  So, just pretend I'm in a gorgeous sequined Oscar dress...with my hair in an up-do.  I didn't trip walking up to the microphone, and now I start my thank-yous...

Thanks to God, He receives all the glory for this precious gift.

Thank you to our families.  For supporting our decision to adopt from the start.  Thank you for welcoming your new grandson, nephew & cousin into your family.  We love you so much.

Thank you to our friends.  Who sent cards every week through the adoption process (you know who you are), and showed up with gifts, clothing, dinner, wine, Starbucks & pretty much anything else we could imagine when Dane came home.  You are as good as gold.

Thank you to Kirsh and Kirsh who made this adoption effortless on our part.  We are so thankful to have worked with you.

They are playing the Oscar music...wrap it up, wrap it up.

Thank you to our fabulous social worker through Adoptions of Indiana.  We are so thankful to have worked with you, and to call you a friend as well.

And, to Dane's birthparents.  Thank you just sounds silly.  We will spend the rest of our lives thanking you.  Dane has a Mom and Dad raising him here & a Mom & Dad loving him from afar.  And with odds like that, I'de say he is going to go pretty far in life.

Life is hardly how I planned it to be.
It's better.